Conflict Resolution

Conflict Resolution

            Conflict resolution is a complex but fascinating subject. Conflict is something that we encounter on an almost daily basis, yet I have never really taken an interest in learning to effectively resolve conflict until now. In this paper I will discuss my personal plan to effectively manage and resolve conflict, and give examples of conflicts that I have participated in. I will also discuss theories of conflict resolution and how these can be utilized in future or past conflicts.

My Best Practices Model

            The conflict resolution tool that spoke the most to me was the S-TLC. This stands for Stop, Think, Listen, and Communicate (Cahn & Abigail, 2007, p. 41). This is the style of conflict resolution that I believe I will use in future conflicts. The stop portion of this theory is especially important to me because I often do not stop to think about things before launching into my point of view in a conflict situation. By stopping and thinking about the conflict prior to engaging in conflict, it gives the parties involved time to cool off and prevents the conflict from escalating. That has been my biggest problem in the past. I will become offended with somebody and, without stopping and thinking about it, I will launch into my list of complaints about the situation. Prior to taking this course, my husband and I used the S-TLC strategy without even realizing that was what we were doing. We were at the mall and it was crowded and loud. We were trying to order our food in the food court and somebody was trying to get his attention. I “snapped” at him to get him to pay attention, and he made a comment that I misunderstood and got upset about. Before the conflict could escalate, I walked away from the situation and went to sit down while he waited on the food. When he came to the table, I had calmed down and we were able to discuss exactly what had happened without the conflict ever really escalating. If I had not stopped to calm down and think about what was going on, the conflict could have turned into an even larger argument over something that was not even a reason to be upset.

            Another strategy that I plan to use in future conflicts is the use of “I” statements. According to Cahn and Abigail, “Saying ‘I feel’ and ‘I think’ is far less threatening to the other person than saying ‘you make me feel’ and ‘most people think’” (2007, p. 106). This is another thing that I have had problems with in the past. I will tell somebody how they made me feel instead of simply explaining how I feel without laying blame. I used this strategy today while discussing something with my husband. His daughter’s mother has been trying to cause problems between us and he will not let me speak to her about it. He insists on handling it himself because he feels that if I say something to upset her, she will not let him see his daughter. I had to calmly explain to him that I felt as if he were not taking my feelings into consideration by allowing her to continue making the comments that she has been making. By explaining it to him this way instead of throwing out something like “you just don’t care how I feel,” he was better able to understand my point of view and promised to discuss the issue with her in a way that would not be upsetting to her but that would also satisfy my needs.

            I also need to learn to be more assertive in my communication style, especially when in conflict. Assertive communication is “the ability to speak up for one’s interests, concerns, or rights in a way that does not interfere with the interests or infringes on the rights of others” (Abigail and Cahn, 2007, p. 66-7). By being assertive, a person is able to explain his or her point of view without threatening or berating the other person involved in the communication situation. In the past, I have tended more towards being a passive-aggressive communicator when in conflict. I will slam doors or give the silent treatment. By doing these things, I rarely get the conflict resolved before it turns into a full-blown argument. If I can learn to be an assertive communicator when in conflict, I will be able to stand up for how I feel while also being able to consider how the other person feels.

            The final tool I will use in communicating during conflict is learning how to manage my stress and anger levels. This will have to be an ongoing process. I do not like to engage in conflict. I like to avoid it if I can, and I will often discuss my problems with my friends before deciding whether or not to engage in conflict. This is called the ventilation approach. “

The biggest problem with the ventilation approach is that simply expressing anger, without directing it toward the person responsible or toward problem solving, actually increases it, particularly when we rehearse repeatedly through different tellings. (Cahn & Abigail, 2007, p. 205-6).

After reading this section in the textbook, I realized that this has been a major problem for me and it is completely true. I have three or four close friends that I discuss my anger issues with. Two of these friends will often attempt to calm me down, but two of my friends tend to reinforce my feelings and I end up getting angrier than if I had dealt with the conflict on my own from the beginning.

Types of Conflicts

            There are two types of conflicts: real and unreal. Real conflicts consist of those conflicts that we can identify and that are actually occurring. Unreal conflict is conflict that is only perceived, but not actually occurring. These types of conflicts include imaging that someone is upset with you, taking out anger and aggression on people who are not the source for your anger, or having conflict over an issue that is not truly the problem at hand. (Cahn & Abigail, 2007, p. 23-6). Unreal conflicts are sometimes more difficult to resolve than real conflicts. This is because to resolve an unreal conflict, the person experiencing the unreal conflict must realize and acknowledge that the conflict is not what he or she imagined it to be. Once realizing that the conflict is unreal, the person must then make amends.

            An example of unreal conflict has to do with when my best friend became engaged. She sent me a picture of the ring as her way of telling me that she was engaged. I thought that, as her best friend, I should have at least gotten a phone call. We had not been speaking as much as a result of her relationship, but I still felt that we were closer than a text message led me to believe. I let my resentment about that build up for months before I finally said something to her, and when I did, I did not address that at all. I launched into a tirade about how she had neglected our friendship for months ever since she began her relationship, that I did not think her fiance was good for her, and other things that I was not even really upset about. This led to us not speaking for almost two years and I was not invited to the wedding as a result. I missed my best friend’s wedding because of a displaced conflict. If I had told her what I was upset about in the first place instead of letting the resentment build and erupt into a conflict over things that were not truly issues, the conflict would have been resolved by her simply apologizing for not considering that I would have liked a phone call to be informed of the engagement.

Conflict Styles

            There are five common responses to a conflict situation. Which response a person uses depends on the persons’ conflict style. These responses include avoiding, accommodating, competing, compromising, and collaborating (Cahn & Abigail, 2007, p. 59). In avoiding, conflicting parties realize that there is a conflict but choose not to address it. This option seems to be a good choice only when the conflict has no chance of building up over time and affecting the relationship. Accommodating occurs when one person concedes to another person. A person who tends more toward avoidance would likely choose accommodation when dealing with a more aggressive conflict partner. Competing involves attempts to overpower the other party. Competing in conflict does not seem a very good idea. When competing, it makes it very difficult to come to a satisfactory resolution. Compromising involves both parties giving in on some issues so that each party receives something that he or she wants. Collaboration involves both parties working together to come to an agreement that satisfies both parties without giving in on any issues that are truly important. Collaboration is the best option to use when in a conflict situation; however, it is not always plausible. An avoider in conflict with a competitive person would find him- or herself overwhelmed by the competitor’s nature and the conflict would not be resolved satisfactorily for either party. An accommodator in conflict with a compromiser would end up giving in much more than the compromiser in the end. To achieve a mutually satisfactory resolution, both parties must accept the challenge of collaborating to resolve conflict.

            There are also four relationship conflict styles that have been identified in studies. These conflict styles are “functional styles of conflict management in couple relationships, labeled Avoidant, Validating, and Volatile, and 1 dysfunctional style, labeled Hostile” (Holman). Avoidant has been explained previously. Both parties in the relationship choose to ignore conflict in the relationship. Validating couples  “discuss difficult issues, but it is important to display a lot of self-control and to remain calm” (Holman). They also try to compromise with one another while validating each others’ ideas. Volatile couples argue to resolve issues. They do not see argument as an issue because that is their best option for resolving conflict. Hostile couples resort to emotional or physical abuse during conflict. It is possible that both people in a relationship could have a different communication style. According to the study, a mismatch in communication styles has led to lower relationship satisfaction. (Busby & Holman, 2009).

Mediation as a Conflict Management Option

            Mediation and arbitration are two options that can be used when the conflicting parties are at an impasse. In mediation, the conflicting parties agree to bring in a third, unbiased party to assist the parties in coming to a mutually satisfactory agreement. To determine if a mediator is necessary, conflicting parties should first determine if they can solve the conflict without assistance from somebody else. A mediator can be a certified mediator, a close friend to both parties, or even a lawyer; however, when choosing a lawyer as a mediator, the costs will increase as opposed to using a certified mediator. The mediator’s positing in conflict resolution is to control communication so that both parties have a chance to air their grievances without fear of interruption. Prior to beginning mediation, the mediator will set up a few ground rules. These rules will usually state that both parties must listen to one another without interruption, no aggressive behavior towards each other, anything said within mediation will be kept confidential, and that the mediator has the right to make up new rules as he or she sees fit. Finally, each party will present his or her “case.” Once all issues have been discussed, the mediator will assist in coming to a resolution that will satisfy both parties. The agreement will then be signed by the conflicting parties as well as the mediator. A follow up appointment will be set to determine if both parties are adhering to the agreement.

            Arbitration is a more formal type of mediation. It is used most often by corporations. The American Arbitration Association can help disputants find a mediator and also provides arbitration services. They develop arbitration plans for corporations and assist in training employees. (http://www.adr.org ).

            Mediation is not something to be entered into lightly. It should only be used in cases where the parties can not come to an agreement on their own. Mediation has a higher success rate than cases tried in court. This is because the parties are more likely to adhere to agreements made in mediation because they  had a say in the outcome of the agreement as opposed to a judge handing down a ruling. Studies have indicated that “mediation is a beneficial alternative to litigation for divorcing couples” (Shaw, 2010)

            Divorce proceedings would be the most common example of mediation in action. Imagine that James and Erin have been married for ten years. They have three children. Erin has been a housewife, while James has earned a large sum of money as a doctor. Erin gave up her schooling to assist James in getting his medical practice off the ground. The marriage falls apart due to the stresses of James’s long hours. Erin and James could use a mediator to assist in the divorce rather than dragging the children through a long court case to determine custody and spousal support. Erin would like $5,000 a month in spousal support, plus custody of the three children. James does not think that the amount Erin has asked for is fair and also wants custody of the children. The mediator in this situation could be called in to assist in dividing the assets of the couple and determine custody of the children. In this example, Erin and James could settle for Erin having full custody of the children with James having weekend visitation, and $5,000 a month in spousal support until Erin can finish school so that she will be better able to provide for herself and the children.

            One example of a case in which mediation would not be beneficial would be in the case of a divorce which is due to an abusive relationship. In this case, it would be best to take the case to a court who can issue a restraining order and determine the best course of action for the parties involved.

Stress and Anger in Conflict

            Stress and anger play a large role in conflict. Stress can result in misplaced conflicts. Anger can be detrimental to resolving conflicts. When one party in a conflict becomes too angry to effectively communicate, it is a good idea to exit the conflict until the party has had time to calm down. The S-TLC approach would benefit in this situation. I believe that stress can cause many unreal conflicts as discussed previously. It can also cause and exacerbate real conflicts. Stress can play a huge part in workplace conflicts. I am in a production environment in my job. I have to produce a certain amount of claims each day or face disciplinary action. Add in the fact that I am a full-time student, I have a husband in Afghanistan, and a three year old daughter at home, and I think it is fair to say that I have a large amount of stress, which often spills over into my job. I also work from home, which leads to miscommunication quite often. I get left out of the loop when things are only discussed in office. One day, I was stressed out because I was nowhere near meeting my production. A request came through email that I review a particular claim because the policyholder felt I had not paid the claim correctly. After going back and reviewing the claim, I shot off a rude reply to the call center specialist. The claim had been paid correctly initially and the call center specialist should have noticed this at the point of call and informed the policyholder. The call center specialist then got rude with me and I realized that the error had been in my keying. I had entered a date incorrectly, although all benefits had been paid correctly. I apologized to the call center specialist. If I hadn’t been so stressed, I would have realized my keying error and fixed it and there would have been no conflict. Stress in the workplace can also be caused by differences in goals for each person. There is “often misalignment of goals and objectives with colleagues, supervisors, and staff” (Trogdon, 2009). When I have daily goals given to me by my supervisor that do not match the needs of the customers that I get requests for, it leads to stress which can boil over into conflict with coworkers.

Conclusion

            Conflict resolution is a diverse subject of study. It is something that many people never think to utilize. We participate in conflict on an almost daily basis. Whether it is misplaced conflict such as yelling at your romantic partner because you had a bad day, going through a divorce, or a simple disagreement between friends, we all experience it. After reading this paper, I hope that the reader will better understand the tools available when attempting to solve a conflict and will understand my personal approach for resolving conflict in the future.       

           

           
References

American Arbitration Association. http://www.adr.org

Busby, D.M., & Holman, T.B. (2009). Perceived match or mismatch on the Gottman conflict styles: Associations with relationship outcome variables. Family Process 48(4), 531-546. Retrieved July 25, 2010, from ProQuest database.

Cahn, D.D., & Abigail, R.A. (2007). Managing Conflict Through Communication. (3^rd ed.). Boston: Pearson Education, Inc.

Shaw, L.A. (2010). Divorce mediation outcome research: A meta-analysis. Conflict Resolution Quarterly, 27(4), 447. Retrieved July 26, 2010, from ProQuest database.

Trogdon, E. (2009). Managing workplace conflicts at all levels. Municipal World, 119(10), 27-30. Retrieved July 25, 2010, from Proquest database.